Friday 3rd November

dh was very sweet - but the shame of it - we lay in bed together - dh slept, and I ruminated..

My trip to the police station had achieved nothing - a big fat nothing!! they didn't believe me - although they were very kind, and now dh was bound to be pissed off with me, cos he didn't understand - I just didn't know where to turn - it was all like some bad dream....

I got up in the night, to go to the loo - dh stirred, and asked me sleepily where I was going - I guess he was on alert for me bogging off to the local constabulary again - I felt shame, love, and anger wash over me, in equal measures.........

How can I get him to understand - about the neighbours, the fridge - and just how frightened I am - why can't he let me sort it?

fell into a troubled sleep - but worried about dh..

In the morning, I overheard dh ringing in 'sick' - he's not sick - I just can't get myself together enough to sort out the neighbours and the fridge.

I hate myself - to my family, I am a huge burden - they think I'm ill, and although I know things aren't 'right' - I can't seem to sort it all out - it all seems beyond me, and am scared..

We both took the boys to school today, cos am under 'supervision' - I was making 'small talk' at the school gates - yet feeling my world was upside down -I could feel myself sweat with fear, whilst I chatted about the bake sale..

We got home, and I approached the fridge for cheese -the fridge - with the now missing digital display - the fact it was missing, made me even more uneasy - at least before, the messages were clear - now, I had to find other ways of interpreting its sulleness... I know its not right - but now I am bereft of concrete proof - so I return to kicking it..

I go up to bed, to lie down, and stare miserably at the ceiling..

I don't realise it at the time, but the timing of the steroids, ensure my own personal mental microclimate - looking back, I used to wake, feeling low and stupified - take the steroids, and gradually, grow high and deluded through-out the day..

Today , am so freaked out, I missed my morning dose of steroids - I stil believe in all the stuff about the fridge and the neighbours, but know instinctively, that the steroids are somehow related to the fear, and the hyperactivity - If I didn't have the fear, I could somehow cope - so I resolve not to take them today - this backfires somewhat later in the day, by means of worsening asthma.....

Downstairs, I can hear Dh phoning the mental health team. I suck my teeth, and feel deeply for him - this isn't exactly going to make me low maintainance anymore - phoning and getting through to mental health, getting the relevant help, is akin to phoning NTL - I eavesdrop..

Three calls later, he has located the secretary, who works for the consultant in charge of my care. she wants me to go via surgery receptionist, GP, duty doctor, etc etc..

Upstairs, I am thinking "Nooo way!!"

Dh isn't having it - I was assured on discharge from the mental health team, that I would be entitled to rapid access to the consultant in charge of my care - of course, I took it with a huge pinch of salt, like you would, and smiled - afterall - I wouldn't be needing it again, would I?

Dh eventually pulls rank - he tells them that I do not need to go to several irrelevant health professionals to cry, and to tell them the fridge is persecuting me - I just need the consultant - moreover, he IS a GP himself - I think what swings it, is the police involvement from last night - how bad would it look if I tripped up to a crowded place, wielding a sharp implement... Dh doesn't suggest this btw - but the police involvement, definitely casts it all in a more 'formal' light..

She gives us an appointment to see the consultant in 3 days time - I am somewhat indifferent at this point - and they will do what?

That afternoon, we have one of ds2's friends round for lunch from pre-school - I was desperate not to let him down, so they chased around the house together...

That evening, I phone several friends, over and over, and they give me reassurance, and lots of love, and help..

The fridge is still problematic....

I really feel for dh - he clearly doesn't understand what is going on,but equally, I hate causing him so much trouble - I want to ask him what he told the people at work, as to why he was sick - but I don't want to address it either, cos I might feel worse

Dh asked me what we could do to help me get through today - so I made him take me to B&Q for more...paint.....

so - painted lots.........