Saturday 4th November

I wake up, and feel low and paranoid - not to mention wheezy!!

I omitted the steroids yesterday, after the trip to the police station, but after requiring a nebulizer again overnight, it becomes apparent, that steroids, are not an optional extra, and indeed, are necessary for me to beable to breathe..

I get up, and take more steroids..

This morning my friend (BML) comes round - last time I spoke to her on the phone, I was flying!! Ithink I made her ears bleed....

When BML comes around, to our new house - I show her round, and our kids play together. I feel strangely distanced from it all - although it is great to see BML - whilst I am showing her round, I feel like the worst kind of fraud - I love my new house, but the fridge hates me, and so do the neighbours, and it makes me feel very very uneasy - I am operating on two levels.

BML is very lovely - some weeks later, she says that I looked very very pale, and unwell. BML goes home, and I go to paint - the steroids appear to kick in, and I perform the age old ritual of kicking the fridge, and glossing the skirting boards - at least I am out of mischief, and not ranting at strangers, so dh doesn't intervene that much..

Tonight, some friends of mine from Tae kwon Do, were having a bonfire party, which I normally go to each year. Dh is reluctant in some ways, but is happy for me to go, if he can accompany me, and on the condition that if I seem really inappropriate, we agree that he can bring me home - but I really want to go... so we do...

The party was nice, although I ended up inappropriately telling 3 different peeps from TKD about my trip to the police station, and asking them how they find their fridges etc...

despite my inappropriateness, which am sure people put down to alcohol, I had a great time! I was ermm flying again!!


Ds1 was great, ds2 fell asleep on their rug, and eventually, the hosts were left, with me blethering on, whilst dh comandeered me out of the door, with a fast asleep ds2 on his shoulder..

When we get back, I ask dh how he was.

He tells me that when he went to the buffet, he got a plate for ds2, then returned for a plate for ds1 - someone commented that SOME people hadn't even had 'firsts' yet, whilst others (dh) were returning for seconds... he wasn't... but it really affected me -

I fell apart, and cried into the small hours - it feels like everything I touch, turns to shit - and even a small 'criticism' aimed at dh - even albeit unwarranted - makes me completely break down. The 'flying 'does a nose dive, and I cry incessantly instead - I can't bear it!! for someone to aim an unwarranted criticism at dh - when it is my friends party - just makes me die inside - I feel intrinsically 'bad' somehow, and that I am poisoning my family...

I cry and cry.....