Sunday 5th November

I wake up - feeling low and - guess what - paranoid!

I believe that our neighbours have somehow conspired with the people at last nights party, to tell me that I am worthless.... I am intrinsically bad, and they are poisoning my friends against me..


I don't remember much about today, except that I painted.... and painted. I can't interact much with the kids, cos I have much to do, and I don't need reminding what a crap mother I am...

I am aware, that tomorrow, I see the mental health team, in the form of my consultant. I like my consultant, and trust her - but am damned if they are going to stuff me full of anti-psychotics again!! but I know that this is a real option..

Towards the end of the day, I reach the end of my tether - I no longer have a clue as to what is going on - yeah, I know the neighbours hate me, the fridge hates me, and there is much going on behind the scenes to convince me that I am worthless - and it is working...


I can't go on anymore - deep down, I am exhausted - I have to pay attention to every single piece of stimuli, in case it is somehow relevant, and there is a message in there somewhere, regarding my situation - I can't cope with the children, I can't cope with being supervised by dh - and I can't cope with having to second guess everyones motives and hidden meanings..

I...just...can't...cope

there is also the real possibility that someone, somewhere, will decide that I am mentally ill, and that I will have to return to mental health services - this appalls me - its like being between the devil and the deep blue sea - I can't carry on at home, but the thought of being in mental health again, because someone doesn't believe what is happened at home, makes me shudder

I can't 'do' either option - I really really can't - I feel hideously trapped. I can't escape my thoughts, or the fridge or the neighbours, or mental health - or - indeed - myself. The thought that I am intrinsically bad, is all pervasive - I hate myself, and the effect I have on my loved ones - I truly can't see any way out - I can't change the way I think or feel, because I truly believe that there are various people in conspiracy against me - likewise, I can't go down the mental health route, because the people conspiring against me, will have won. either way, I let my family down - I just can't go on - my thoughts go round and round, over the same ground. I feel like screaming - but I can't - I am very very frightened - too frightened to scream...

I want out of this - I want to die.

At the moment, it seems like the only viable option, out of this hell...